Saturday, December 25, 2004

And Christmas Came

In the early hours of the morning just after sunrise, Christmas came. For weeks I have known it would. Still I confess that in last night’s darkness, I doubted. Was it really such a good idea to spend this most wonderful day alone? Despite all my mental and emotional preparations, my embracing of whatever might come, would I slip over the edge into despair and depression? It sometimes does happen that despite our efforts to prepare, we sit quietly waiting for a light that does not come.

So what did I get?

Awareness that I am well loved in every part of life that counts

Knowledge that the steps I have been taking to improve my self-knowledge and my relationships are on the right path

Gratitude that I have work skills that make me independent, that make it possible for me to maintain relationships that make sense for my emotional and spiritual health, rather than being dragged along by emotional or economic neediness

A quiet expectation that the next twenty years will be the best of my life

Motivations for the next big steps in improvement of my health—Vermont has already been so very good for me
--Overt awareness of sexual joy in my life and the link to my own vitality and attractiveness—I like men, I need men in my life.
--A quiet word from a friend who is diabetic that exercise is the most important tool in preventing the disease

Conviction that the things that well up in us have their right place in the world and that we all have the capacity—with time and attention—to put our selves in order both internally and with respect to the world

Specific strategies for how to deal with a couple of difficult issues in human relationships that now confront me

All this in a few quiet minutes. Not the work of a few minutes, but the culmination of days and weeks of contemplating the advent of Christmas. The roundness and wholeness of it startled me, its contemplative nature melding with resolute knowledge of next steps.

This is the gift that comes from the solitude that I offered myself this Christmas. Thanks! It was just what I wanted.

Here's hoping you get everything you truly want this holiday season and always.

1 comment:

Nacho said...

Karen: Thanks so very much for this wonderful post! What great things Christmas brought for you. Perhaps the most wonderful thing: it brought the realization that all those gifts lay within you! It also brought your post to me as a present through Robert's (Begginer's Mind) blog. Thanks for a wonderful site. I like the way you nourished yourself during this season, and the cultivation of love for yourself. It was a great reminder of just how important that is. Thanks!